I can fire this Biti fellow, Cdes


Dear Cabinet and
Politburo members

COMRADES, I see Morgan and his handlers are trying their best to derail this electoral process … they are doing everything they can to make sure that the election does not take place. You saw this week when deliberate internal fights within the party caused untold disruptions to the Special Voting process resulting in the wrong impression that the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission was not ready for elections.
They have been filing one court application after another, just to throw spanners into the process. I will make sure that whatever they do, the election process goes ahead as planned.
I know this Biti boy has been telling all who care to listen that there is no money for elections… he is just being silly! If he continues to behave like that, I might be tempted to reshuffle my Cabinet and replace him with someone from our party. Isn’t it that some of the money was supposed to come from mobile phone companies? And one of them has not yet paid over US$130 million that they were supposed to pay by last month?
You all saw Cdes that this week I had to make a strategic move of appointing more judges to the High Court and the Supreme Court just to make sure … you all know what I mean, don’t you? I had to do it now that I have all these powers to myself!
You all know that after losing the elections, the litigious Morgan and his handlers will virtually camp at the courts, so by increasing the numbers of judges we have capacitated the bench to enable it to cope with the flurry of court applications that might arise.
Last but not least, Cdes, I just have to admit that I am impressed with the huge turnout at our star rallies… our detractors can say whatever they want, but that will not change the fact that our party is popular.
In Marondera this week the crowd was so huge that we had to hold the rally outside the stadium… that is where Morgan’s first rally was isn’t it? And he could not even fill a tithe of that tiny stadium.
We certainly would be cruising to a landslide victory!

Kindest Regards
Yours Sincerely


WE are again in the season of election manifestos. And we have been getting them thick and fast… all of which have one thing in common … they sound exactly like those adverts that usually appear in the lovely H-Metro everyday … adverts placed by Dr Shumba, Dr Black Jack, Dr Ali and some such people who have lovely solutions for almost any problem — real or imaginary  —  that could be afflicting the human species. “Early ejaculation, organ enlargement, more rounds, manpower, male attraction, boom in business, promotion, Sandawana oil, bring back lost lover, Wekuzora, get lobola money, conceive, CD4 count booster…”
All the manifestos — be they from ZANU-PF, MDC-T, ZAPU, ZDP etc — are quite tempting … if only a tithe of what is promised could be delivered, all the world’s problems would have long disappeared.
Anyway, politicians, sangomas, prophets and lawyers find themselves in some of the luckiest professions — where they easily sell bottled smoke! If there was a law to make sure that leaders of political parties are personally held criminally responsible for any unfulfilled threats, we wonder how many politicians would still be around in this country! Let’s wait and see!
CZ noticed with amusement the indignation with which MDC-T supporters have come to accept Welshman Ncube’s arrogant dismissal of overtures towards a grand coalition. Ncube is accused of all sorts of things. Well they can say whatever they like about the senior partner in Welsh, Priscilla & Partners, but that does not change the fact that the man is proving to be a shrewd politician. What Welshman is doing is what is expected of a good politician… making the best for yourself out of every situation. No one gets into politics so that they can become stepping stones for others to become presidents of countries… it is every good politician’s dream to scale to the highest political office in the land. Only second-grade politicians spend time propping others up the slippery pole.
Surely, Welshman did not join politics to make sure that Morgan Tsvangirai becomes the next President of Zimbabwe, so if he himself cannot get there, he can only lend Tsvangirai his support in exchange for something that he knows he would otherwise not get easily. That is good politics. There is what is called a losing winner and Ncube can easily position himself to be one. In fact, he has already been one before. Look at people like Britain’s deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg. How did he come to be where he is? Even Jacob Zuma in neighbouring South Africa. Ten years ago, who would have thought the man would be at the zenith today? If he had tried to be Mr Nice would he be smiling at a second term like he is doing right now?
That is what politics is all about… many of the leaders we have today seized opportunities that presented themselves and made the best out of them. No matter how desperate the situation might appear — to expect Ncube to be someone’s foot soldier in exchange for a mere thank-you could actually be insulting the man’s vaulting ambition.
The sad reality is unless one takes their maternal grandmothers along with them, in politics no one owes anyone anything!
Back to Zuma, when the man came into power — still shy from his scandal involving the recall of Thabo Mbeki — he gave the impression that he was not at all interested in power … and even swore by God himself that he was going to serve only one term  —  like Mandela  —  and go. Today does he look like he is going anywhere any time soon? Lurching as he is doing, from one scandal to another including this Nkandla scandal where R250 million — reportedly enough to build more than 50 new schools — was spent on upgrading his homestead alone! That is a politician for you. Those who would be voting on July 31 should better do so for the mere sake of doing so — not because they expect anything from those people, otherwise they would be disappointed to death!
We are relieved that High Court cases of a civil nature do not go via police stations. We say so because if this was so, the MDC-T was never going to file one more case in the courts, if the attitude of national police spokesperson, our very own Cde Charity Charamba, is anything to go by. This week, instead of explaining the lawlessness among members of the force on whom the no nonsense members of the Support Unit had to be unleashed after turning rowdy at Harare’s Town House polling station, she went on to viciously attack the MDC-T for delaying the voting process by making “frivolous” court applications blah, blah! Cde Charamba — in her typical North Korean newscaster style of talking — left us wondering whether it was now the duty of police to decide which court application is silly and which one is not. In that case we wonder why a whole High Court judge took his time not only to hear, but also to grant, this particular application!
Someone should be told that it is not the MDC-T party that is hurrying the election process!
Facts n’ figures!
As the elections draw closer, it looks like a bumper-crowd mania has afflicted many of CZ’s colleagues — especially those in the State-controlled media. We cannot help but fear that in this cutthroat race to impress their masters with mega-figures, some journos could now be counting, not just even three-week foetuses in wombs, but viable ovaries and matching them with equally viable sperms to come up with the wild estimates that they are giving!
At the weekend, the ZANU-PF presidential candidate decided to attend the pass-over of Johanne Marange church at its shrine in Mafararikwa, Manicaland… an event that was covered live on our one and only TV station. 
ZBCtv presenters Justin Mahlahla and Takawira Dururu put the figure of the congregants at a cool “over 400 000”. Fine and dandy!
Sadly other less patriotic colleagues at The Sunday Mail conspired to put the figure at a mere 70 000!
We, however, loved the weekly headline ‘President bags votes’. Please do not ask CZ how his colleagues got to be so cocksure the votes were already in the back-pocket, for he also doesn’t know. They could have consulted the prophets at the shrine.






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