Of Tsvangirai’s Facebook confessions


Morgan Tsvangirai

Tinomudaishe Chinyoka
Disney is not known for doing many movies about black people, starring a majority of black people, and generally painting them in a good light, but in their 1993 classic Cool Runnings about the Jamaican Bobs-led Team trying to make it at the Montreal Winter Olympics, they came close. In the movie is a scene where, after the Jamaicans who had been written off after their first race pull of a fantastic performance in the second race, one of the commentators asks incredulously: “Where do these guys come from?!”

The Jamaican crowds, watching on old TVs back home, scream ‘Jamaica!’
I was reminded of this scene when I was reading some of my friends’ posts on the social media. One of the often repeated questions is ‘‘Where did all these millions come from?’’ We are told that all elections since the 1999 referendum have produced just over or around 2,5 million voters, so because this one had more than 3 million, where did the other millions come from?

Zimbabwe, stupid!

That is also the question that Tsvangirai has been asking, “Where did all those votes that Mugabe got come from?’’ in between bouts of petulance: “I can’t believe I am this unpopular’’, or “We had too many people in Ward X, where did they come from?’’

Sometimes, you have to pinch yourself to stop feeling sorry for some people. Running around like a headless goose asking where someone’s voters came from, while at the same time feeding false stories to friends about sinister forces at play. Telling his incompetent lieutenant but loyal friend Theresa Makone to go around spreading incredible stories about a ‘‘shadowy Israeli company’’ that has caused all this, because, according to them, ‘‘where did these millions come from?’’

If a company runs a website, in which it gives its name, what it does, where it is based, the people that run it, its street address, its advertisements for work, how can it be shadowy?

But, that assumes you are dealing with intelligent people which, as this drama has shown, is a very bad assumption when it comes to one former Prime Minister. Anyway, I decided to take a tour on Morgan Tsvangirai’s very own Facebook page, to see if it is really true that he is honestly was surprised about these millions.

And what I found was evidence, if any more was needed, that the people of Zimbabwe have dodged a bullet by voting wisely and not making this man their President. The level of rank stupidity, grandiose megalomania, hubris and outright criminality you get from his own writings is astounding.

There is a post there titled ‘‘Move to a President with SWAG!’’ Now, as the father of teenagers, I have occasionally seen this word floating around the house from their school friends. It seems to have something to do with their fashion sense, their way of talking and walking and general interaction.

So you see, I always thought the word had something to do with wearing your shorts too low, walking like you have tennis balls in your shoes, talking while pointing two fingers in a V sign, wearing your cap on the side, and generally being a kid.

But seeing it on a Facebook wall as a campaign slogan I thought; wait a minute, let me check out what this means for real. Because that could not be right, could it? A Presidential candidate was calling himself what we in Mberengwa like to call bharanzi? Surely not.

The online ‘‘urban dictionary’’, which uses teens language to define words used by teens, was the most logical choice. So I looked, and it defines SWAG (some of the words I have had to mask as this is a family paper) as: “The most used word in the whole f***ng universe. Douche bags use it, your kids use it, your mail man uses it, and your f***ing dog uses it.

If you got swag, you generally wear those shitty hats side way, and your ass hanging out like a f***ing goof cause your pants are half way down your white ass legs. To break down the word, it means (Secretly We Are Gay). It is also a word that means to represent yourself the way you represent yourself, baggy clothes, shitty hats, small p*nis and basically a way to say your afraid to come out of the closet.”

Ahh! Now it makes sense. All those stories about the many women and the trysts in hotels and on foreign trips and . . . makes sense. Because secretly . . . like the man himself says, he got SWAG.

So, this is the man who wanted to be our President then? Now, aren’t we all glad that more than 2 million Zimbabweans said no to SWAG? We were about to hire, for the most important job in the country, a man that confesses that secretly he wants kufemera varume mugotsi! A man who claims to be surprised by the level of support for our President.

He who, on the morning of the vote posted this on his Facebook page: “I am humbled by the huge turnout. Zimbabwe, you have made your statement clear. Thank You. I am encouraged by the high turnout and the determination for change. We are poised for a landslide. Again, Thank You Zimbabwe.”

Now, after realising that these millions were queuing to make sure that the doubt created by the close election of 2008 was not repeated, that they had come in their millions not to praise him but to consolidate the gains of their independence, he asks incredulously, ‘‘where did these millions come from?”

Well, tell you what, allow me to break it down slowly and explain in way so you can understand Mr SWAG, how about their homes? Right here in Zimbabwe.

Like someone ari kumema munda wake, the man went to Mbare, where he is not registered to vote, and posted this on his page “Large turnout out in Mbare so far, come on guys go and join the queues and vote for change”. I wish I could say that they must have heeded his call then, because thousands more than voted in 2008 went and tossed out his DJ candidate and brought it home for the revolutionary party.

But the truth is that as we now know, millions do not listen to this man. His support peaked in 2008, assisted by harsh economic conditions engineered by his masters in the West and it has been downhill since then.

His masters even ran surveys to warn him about the loss of support but he dithered and did not do anything, as he is intellectually bankrupt. And now he asks his losing candidate to issue stupid statements saying that the vote must be challenged because there was rigging. Because, after all, where did these millions come from?

But you saw them, Mr SWAG, with your broken English you even asked more to come to the queues.
Another puerile attempt to appear to be ‘with it’ sees Tsvangirai posting on his page: “Ahoyi maborn free, this is your moment to decide you future. I want you guys to be able to look at your children with pride when they ask about the history of this land. It’s your moment of glory, take the ?#?redpower? in your heart and change it to ?#?redfinger? for change. ?#?thisisit?.

Good morning vari pamutsara. Vese vabata jongwe muromo tinoti makorokoto, marwisa kutora nyika. Vari munzira svikai tiise ?#?jongwemupoto?”

First, it is ‘‘Ahoy’’, not ‘‘Ahoyi’’. Second, this attempt at connecting is good when you have something for people to connect to, not empty slogans thought up by some lunatic that sound like some drunk looking for someone to buy him another round. But, what do I know? Maybe I just don’t have the SWAG.

Then there is an exchange with a purported voter, who claimed to be waiting in a voting queue on July 30th at 9:32pm:
Tumai Ndlovu:  Im already pa que yeku voter mdhara

Morgan Tsvangirai: I hope you are paqueue with the entire family. This is a generational choice Tumai. On my part, I have made sure all our machinery is not sleeping to ensure your vote counts. I will defend your vote.

First, now we know that the man is not only incompetent and a buffoon, but a criminal too! The law forbids campaigning on the day before elections and on election day. In specific terms. It is a crime to do it. But, there he is, asking supporters to go out and vote for him. Maybe someone needs to let this man know what the constitution is, then explain to him slowly, in Shona, what campaigning means (which quite clearly he doesn’t understand since all he did was hold congratulatory rallies in areas where he already has some support), then warn him about his right to remain silent because the police might be on their way.

Obviously, if someone now was to go and pick up Mr SWAG for the crime of campaigning on the day before and on the actual date of the elections, (which is a crime!) his backers in the West will start howling about how the police in Zimbabwe are biased in favour of Zanu-PF and how it is Mugabe this, Mugabe that.

A man commits a crime and we must not prosecute him because he is their blue eyed boy? And what does it say about the West that they think we must be led by this blundering buffoon who cannot stop himself from making mistakes and commits crimes without compunction? Oh my God what they must think of us!

But, there you have it! The man had ‘‘made sure’’ that his ‘‘machinery was not sleeping’’ and that every vote would count. Made sure he said. Not hope, not wish, but had taken active steps to ‘‘make sure’’. So, now that the vote has gone with the other guy winning, we either have to believe that he is confirming to being either a liar of an incompetent.

Either he is saying that he lied when he said that he had ‘‘made sure’’, or he is confessing that whatever steps that he had put in place were not good enough.

Of course, we know the truth; the vote was not rigged, but try telling that to someone that goes into a contest expecting only one of two options: either winning or winning!

Well, he lost.
The President has all the while maintained his dignity, not saying anything disparaging about all the insults and innuendo coming out of the MDC camp about his perfectly legitimate victory. Imagine being told that you have masterminded the theft of the century and maintaining your cool, because you know that these are the last kicks of a dying horse.

You have to admire the man. Why stoop so low as to deal with the equivocations of a flea? But, in his rank stupidity, in his quest to grasp at every piece of ‘‘evidence’’ of the purported rigging, Morgan and his cohorts seize upon this dignified reaction and start yapping about how this must mean that Zanu-PF is guilty because, well, where are the celebrations? Honestly?

On July 30, Morgan Tsvangirai posted this on his Facebook: “When you choose me as President, I will be a President ready to serve you. I will be a President with a vision and mission. I intend to serve this country with dignity and confidence.” Those words, in typical biblical irony like where even Balaam was used to prophesy for the Israelites despite his initial aim to curse them, are proof that God uses even the most worthless of vessels, were very prophetic.

We got a President with vision, who is ready to serve, and who is going to serve the country with dignity and confidence.
Too bad Morgan Tsvangirai did not realise that he  was not talking about himself. Then again, he is not clever enough to realise that, is he? But not to worry.

The man has SWAG. Yeah, right!
Zimbabweans went to vote and chose their tried and trusted leader, and his team, because they agree with what they are being offered: their sovereignty and independence from foreign interference in the destiny of their country. Morgan Tsvangirai failed to get with the program, failed to see that people just want their country back, and ran his campaign like someone looking for voters in Tooting, London, and so he lost voters in Zimbabwe.

Having been used to the 20 000 or so that came to his rallies in his so called strongholds, the man asks incredulously, ‘‘where did these millions come from?’’


 Tinomudaishe Chinyoka is former president: University of Zimbabwe Students Union; former president: Zimbabwe National Students Union; former secretary-general: University of Zimbabwe Students Union, and PhD Student, History of Land Law and Political Science, UK.

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