Friends & Friction: We need da right man for da job, Mr Kuz Way

“De probrem in Sout Africa is dat we complain about korupshin, korupshin, korupshin,” Vasco da Gama Kuzwayo said to me.

“Dese nowadays a baby can say ‘korupshin’ before they can even say ‘Ma’. What do you know about korupshin when you arr korupshin yourselfs?

You want Mudder Teresa to do everyting. It is a mistake to tink dat only good pipl must run guvament, because good pipl don’t know everyting.

“I know imfundisi yami can prey good. He can prey until de demonis run out of you, but I would not open my bum for him to stab me wid de ndekshion. Only doktor must stab wid de ndekshion, but I like small nurse.

“So we must chooz a man for what he can do for us and not what he do for uddas behind closed doors.”

Da Gama is an electrician, and he is good at his job. When the municipality electricians couldn’t solve my electrical problem at home, he told them where to go and what to do.

I only knew him by his first name, so when I asked for his surname he took out his brand spanking new green identity document. He is a Kuzwayo too, but when I showered him with the praises of the clan, he didn’t know what I was talking about. Da Gama Kuzwayo has an opinion on everything.

“Now dey fire Zwelinzima Vavi. We chooz Vavi because he know hawu to toytoy and tell de employer where to get off, and make money for us poor worker.
But why dey fire him? For getting it on de gal.

“Now tell me, Mr Kuz Way, where dey goin’ find Fadder Teresa, de man wid de good hut who can fight de employers wid de one hand while holding his pants up wid de udder? Not a chens, not in dis country. De probrem is dat in Sout Africa we luv lies. We like to say indoda yakwazi kuziphilisa, an den take him to jail when he does exactly dat. We say ukorupt. Why? Even de white pipl say ‘Charity begins at home.’ Evry job has benefits.

“A man who work in bushary after work, he cut himself a small piece of stake, wraps it in small paper an put it under his shoulder to enjoy him an his wife an shildren. Dat is what Zuma do. He build big mansion in Nkandla.

“If you work in small job, you take small. If you work in big job, you take big. Dis udda white man I worked wid says to me we need businessman to be president of de country. “I say ho ho, you don’t know. He tink that just because man know how to make money he know how to rule country. Business man tink about money. He tink how much money I make if I sell dis land.

“Me, I look first if a man know how to do his job right, then after looking over him for a long time, I begin to suspect dat may be he is honest. Quite honest, only man who is honest is dead an six feet deep. Korupshin we complain.

“Well, politicians come from de pipl, dey don come from sum udda planeti. If man look in de mirra an don like what he see, he can’t blame mirror. He blame himself.”

“Bye Mr Vasco da Gama Kuzwayo,” I said.

“Bye Mr Kuz Way,” he replied.

» Kuzwayo is the founder of Ignitive, an advertising agency

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